Today I'm responding to a writing prompt from Bonnie Gray, one of my favorite bloggers, over at Faith Barista: Write a letter to yourself at an earlier time in your life. Sharewhat you know now about the faith journey with your younger self.
Stop trying so hard.
I know that’s hard to hear. You pride yourself in being a do-er. A hard worker. An achiever.
But you’re trying to achieve the impossible.
Trust me on this one:
Nothing you do will make Mother happy.
Your A+++ grades won’t make her happy.
Your becoming a teacher won’t make her happy.
Your marriage won’t make her happy. (In fact, she’ll be so unhappy that she’ll refuse to participate at all. You’ll plan your wedding all by yourself.)
Your children won’t even make her happy.
Oh, she’ll enjoy them. And you’ll have a few years during which you’ll feel like you’ve finally earned her approval.
But then they’ll grow past the “cute” stage, become teenagers, and about the time you’re launching your firstborn to college, Mother will start losing her memory.
And then, for the first time in your life, you will see her happy. She will not know you, but she will be happy.
As Daddy and John comfort each other by saying that she’s “the happiest she’s been in 45 years,” it will occur to you that they knew her when she knew them and was still happy.
You will realize then what you can not suspect right now: Mother has been depressed for your entire life.
Her unhappiness is not your fault.
You did not cause it. You can not fix it.
You can not make her happy. No matter what you do. No matter how hard you try.
Nothing you do will make Mother happy.
Stop trying so hard.
Start seeking refuge.
Learn now–when you long for the love she can not offer–to run to Him.
Learn now–when you cry for the comfort she can not give–to hide in Him.
Stop trying so hard.
Stop trying.
Stop.
Be still.
Know Him.
Know that He delights in you;
He always has, and He always will.
In His Delight,
Your 45-year-old self
Oh, this breaks my heart! Thank you for sharing - I feel your pain about mothers.
ReplyDeleteOh. This is sad but encouraging. Thankful for a Perfect Parent for you today. A HeavEnly Father who loves more than we could ever know or imagine.
ReplyDeleteCherie, I've missed seeing your posts in my inbox and am glad to read today's post. This is one I'll definitely share with my wife. I think Ellen can relate to "Nothing you can do will make Mother happy." Good, emotive writing.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful letter, Cherie! I too strived to live the try-hard life. It takes wisdom and time to get to that place you've written from. Thanks for sharing- I'm sure it was a vulnerable post to write.
ReplyDeleteI landed here randomly but I was shocked to start reading your post and see that is was very close to something I had written to myself (or did I just think through what I WOULD write if I had the inclination - either way).
ReplyDeleteIm 48 and my mom has been miserable since I was in about 2nd grade. She was a fancy social lady, but the 70s was a time when social drinking amongst couples and moms was so common that alcoholism could hide right under ones nose. Her mental health issues kicked in when I was an 8th grader. She could fake the good mom thing to friends and even to my dad, but she was in reality somewhere between absent and abusive.
I now feel so sorry for my young self...I was too loyal to internally label her as an insane alcoholic, so I KEPT TRYING. Im really fortunate that I didnt make a lot of horrible life decisions based on trying to please her...a few, but not many. My worst mistake was my desperate search for love ...I wasnt getting any at home and I needed love from somewhere.
My parents tried their best to get me to go to the Air Force Academy....the best of both worlds for them..something to brag about that wouldnt cost them money. God had a different vocation picked for me and Im so glad I took my own way.
The 5 years she refused to talk to me in my 40s was a nice calm respite...she reconnected for me to attend her 70th birthday party. I dont just have bitter anger...I truly truly pity her...God gave her a life where she could have found joy in service and she wasted it. She did not endear herself to her only daughter or any of my kids (who ended up being her only grandkids). Tragic, I tell you.
I hope that her salvation from the faith of her childhood is enough to save her. When she is in eternity, her mind will be clear for the first time in my adult life and that sounds comforting to me.
That is heartbreaking and inspiring, peace be with you always. Tara.
ReplyDeleteI so understand what you are saying...not so much from my growing up years, but since I accepted Christ in my early 20's. My mom doesn't understand my new found faith and relationship with Christ so it has been a journey to stop seeking her approval and only live to obey Him. Thanks for sharing your heart Cheri.
ReplyDeleteI also so loved your story about the young man visiting you in the night. There is so much power in our presence and listening ear...I've been in his shoes.
Blessings to you,
Jill