Today I'm responding to a writing prompt from Bonnie Gray, one of my favorite bloggers, over at Faith Barista: Write a letter to yourself at an earlier time in your life. Sharewhat you know now about the faith journey with your younger self.
Stop trying so hard.
I know that’s hard to hear. You pride yourself in being a do-er. A hard worker. An achiever.
But you’re trying to achieve the impossible.
Trust me on this one:
Nothing you do will make Mother happy.
Your A+++ grades won’t make her happy.
Your becoming a teacher won’t make her happy.
Your marriage won’t make her happy. (In fact, she’ll be so unhappy that she’ll refuse to participate at all. You’ll plan your wedding all by yourself.)
Your children won’t even make her happy.
Oh, she’ll enjoy them. And you’ll have a few years during which you’ll feel like you’ve finally earned her approval.
But then they’ll grow past the “cute” stage, become teenagers, and about the time you’re launching your firstborn to college, Mother will start losing her memory.
And then, for the first time in your life, you will see her happy. She will not know you, but she will be happy.
As Daddy and John comfort each other by saying that she’s “the happiest she’s been in 45 years,” it will occur to you that they knew her when she knew them and was still happy.
You will realize then what you can not suspect right now: Mother has been depressed for your entire life.
Her unhappiness is not your fault.
You did not cause it. You can not fix it.
You can not make her happy. No matter what you do. No matter how hard you try.
Nothing you do will make Mother happy.
Stop trying so hard.
Start seeking refuge.
Learn now–when you long for the love she can not offer–to run to Him.
Learn now–when you cry for the comfort she can not give–to hide in Him.
Stop trying so hard.
Stop trying.
Stop.
Be still.
Know Him.
Know that He delights in you;
He always has, and He always will.
In His Delight,
Your 45-year-old self