Adventures of Anxiety Girl: Growing Up After Saying "I Do" (Part 2)

It's Wifey Wednesday over at To Love Honor and Vacuum!

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In Part 1, I discussed how my own emotional immaturity wreaked havoc in the early years of my marriage.

One vital resource for moving my thoughts, feelings, and reactions onto the path toward maturity has been the book and DVD series Love and Respect.

I was so fixated on my own frantic wants and needs for so long, I didn't have a clue about respect. I didn't know how to show it. And I definitely didn't know how vital it was for Daniel. I was too focused on me.

When we sat down to watch the videos, we recognized the "Crazy Cycle" immediately:

Anxiety Girl threw a fit, of course, at the mere idea that I should focus on anyone's needs other than hers. She did her best to fill me with fears and extreme scenarios about what would happen if I started treating Daniel with respect.

"He'll never ask for your opinion!" she insisted. "He'll make decisions without you! He'll make plans that don't accommodate you! You'll be miserable!"

But her words fell on deaf ears. At that point in our relationship, Daniel already didn't want my opinion; it came with too many barbs. He regularly made decisions and plans without me; it was pretty much the only way he could get anything done without me meddling and sabotaging! As for misery, I'd bottomed out. I was desperate for change.

I realized that what I'd been demanding from Daniel was not just unrealistic, it was unreasonable. The unconditional "love" I insisted he show me was not the mature love of equals; it was the coddling of a spoiled child.

I expected him to make me feel good all the time, to "fix" my brokenness, to tip-toe around my myriad sensitive spots.

I wanted Daniel to cope with Anxiety Girl for me.

But taming Anxiety Girl was a task I had to do myself, for myself. I realized that in order for me to "grow up" in our marriage, I had to quit letting Anxiety Girl run my life. I had to learn to think, feel, and act in terms of love and respect.



Sometimes, I become consumed with regrets about how badly I botched the first decade (or two!) of our marriage. The "If only..."s start spiraling out of control. Then I recognize Anxiety Girl, not-so-slyly trying to stage a coup and regain control of my life, once again.

Sorry, Anxiety Girl. I'm not interested in haranguing Daniel or myself any more. In fact, I keep this reminder above my computer:

Sure, I wish I'd learned about love and respect much earlier in my marriage.

But when it comes to "growing up" in marriage, I'm grateful to be learning late rather than never!