(If you missed Part One, I'd suggest you read it first!)Back when Daniel and I were dating, I was an expert at “history habits” -- I focused on my beloved’s strengths and liberally exercised my bragging rights, telling everyone what he was famous for.
After marriage, however, I quickly slipped into “math mode.” Whenever things didn’t go the way I wanted, I switched to critical thinking, focusing on my husband’s weaknesses, trying harder and harder to “solve” the problem: him!
What might this switch sound like if a woman is married to a Popular Sanguine? While dating him, she might have written a letter like this:
Dear Mom & Dad,
I’m in love with the most WONDERFUL man!
He’s an incredible conversationalist. He is never at a loss for words; I sit and listen to him for hours.
Everyone invites us to parties, because he is so much fun -- always in the middle of any crowd! And such a storyteller . . . he’s so expressive, he holds everyone spellbound!
I love everything about this man, and I always will!
After a few years of marriage, however, she might end up lamenting to a friend, over coffee:
Oh Karen!
I have had it up to here with this man!
You know the country song, “A Little Less Talk, and a Lot More Action”? I could so do with a LOT LESS TALK! The man is a motor mouth with no “off” button!
It’s embarrassing at parties -- he always has to be the center of attention. He tells the same stories over and over again, never remembering that he’s told the SAME stories to the SAME people a dozen times already.
Will he ever grow up? What happened to the man I fell in love with?
Indeed, what has happened? What has changed? Nothing but her perspective. She’s stuck in “math mode,” focused on his weaknesses, trying desperately to “solve” someone she once vowed to accept.
One thing I've learned is how easily I can overlook my husband's myriad strengths and fixate my attention on a few particularly annoying (to me!) weaknesses. When I get stuck in "math mode," joy and intimacy are subtracted from our marriage.
Next week, I'll share some of the "healthy history habits" that move me out of "math mode". How about you? What do you do to purposefully focus on your spouse's strengths?