Hope for Anxiety Girl (Part 3)

So, it's past bedtime, and I've not yet written the finale to my trilogy. (I'd blog my excuses, but my mom's voice reminds me,"Excuses are like armpits: everyone has a couple, and they all stink!")

What to do? I could:

A) stay up 'til midnight to make sure I get it done.
B) give up on the whole idea.
C) eat a Ghirardelli brownie with French Vanilla ice cream.
D) crank out a quick "list post" and promise to elaborate soon.

As living proof that there is hope for Anxiety Girl, I'm discarding A, B, and C.

So, here's D: my short list of books/authors who have helped answer the all-importantant "how?" providing specific directions from Anxiety to Contentment.

1) The Bible

2) Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge

3) Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

4) Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer

5) The Secret Language of Eating Disorders by Peggy Claude-Pierre

6) The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse by Albert Ellis, PhD

7) Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow

8) The Man You Always Wanted is the One You Already Have by Paula Friedrichsen

9) Wired That Way by Marita Littauer

10) Same Life, New Story by Jan Silvious

In future posts, I'll share some of the "ah-HA!" moments these books catalyzed and the nitty-gritty daily life changes that resulted.

How about you? What author(s) and/or book(s) have provided life-changing "ah-HA!" moments?



"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

Hope for Anxiety Girl (Part 2)

Trying to help me become "Lower Maintenance Girl" or (dare we even hope?) "Joy-and-Peace Filled Girl," well-meaning loved ones have offered their best advice over the years.

Unfortunately, none of the following suggestions ever succeeded in doing anything other than -- you guessed it! -- making me even more "high maintenance":

1. "Just stop thinking about it."
2. "Just Let Go and Let God."
3. "Just don't have any expectations."
4. "Just let whatever anyone says go in one ear and out the other."
5. "Just don't take things so personally."
6. "Just trust yourself and follow your inner voice."
7. "Just don't be such a perfectionist (over-achiever, list-maker, do-er...)
8. "Just learn to r-e-l-a-x!"
9. "Just don't be so hard on yourself."
10. "Just accept whatever comes."

Excellent bits of advice, every one of them. But without the companion how-to manual (yes, I would buy Contentment for Dummies!) I could never figure out how to apply any of them to real life.

Of course, my repeated failures at following friends' advice only made me more "extremely" -- I see you recognize the pattern by now! -- "high maintenance."

My friends weren't trying to make me feel worse. In fact, they were trying their best to help me move from where I was (Anxiety) to where they were (Contentment), certain that if I could just join them, I'd feel so much better. They were probably right.

But they forgot one vital little detail: the directions.

How would I get from here to there?

Since I am blessed with lots of Normal Girl friends, none had ever been where I was. None had ever made the trek from Anxiety to Contentment. So the best they could do was earnestly tell me, "Cheri, where you’re at sounds just terrible! Stop being there. Come join me here!"

My snarky side always wanted to respond, “Okay, Beam me up, Scottie!” How would I magically transport myself from there to here (or here to there)?

When I didn’t follow their well-meaning advice, some of my Normal Girl friends took offense and turned judgmental, “You must like being there if you’re still there! You are choosing to stay there. You could decide to leave if you really wanted to.”

Here’s a News Flash for any Normal Girl reading this:
1) Anxiety Girl does not like where she’s at;
2) Anxiety Girl is not choosing to stay where she’s at; and,
3) Anxiety Girl wants to leave where she’s at but she does not know the way out.

(And a related News Flash for any Anxiety Girls: hanging around Normal Girls in hopes that their normalicy will “rub off” is just another set-up for disappointment.)

In Part 3, I'll introduce some authors who offer specific directions to help Anxiety Girl discover her way out...authors who know how to make the trip from Anxiety to Contentment, one step at a time.


How about you? If you're a Normal Girl, what's been your experience with the Anxiety Girls in your life? If you're an Anxiety Girl, what's been your experience with the Normal Girls in your life?

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

Hope for Anxiety Girl (Part I)

"You seem especially high maintenance."

Having just shared my heart with over a hundred women as the speaker at their church's weekend retreat, I was taken aback by this blunt observation.

I felt -- and fought -- the compulsion to obsess over it:

What does she mean? "high maintenance"? Me? "especially high maintenance"? What does this mean about me?

Most likely it means I'm not getting through. Each woman here already has her act together and is living in complete peace. Nobody here needs to hear what I came to say. I should just go home.

But if I'm so high maintenance, then I shouldn't go home. I'll just overwhelm Daniel with all my "especially high maintenance needs".

If I don't go home, though, where will I go? I have nowhere else. I'm trapped! I'm stuck here with women who hate me. And I have to go home where all I do is make people miserable!

Fortunately, the logical absurdity of my emotions hit my funny bone before they spiraled completely out of control. I re-joined the real world, laughed, and responded, "Yes, I'm sure I do seem especially high maintenance!"

And in my mind I added: And you have no clue how overwhelming, how exhausting it is to be "especially high maintenance" 24/7!

Trying to help me become "Lower Maintenance Girl" or (dare we even hope?!?) "Joy-and-Peace Filled Girl," well-meaning loved ones have offered their best advice over the years. Unfortunately, none of the following suggestions ever succeeded in doing anything other than -- you guessed it! -- making me even more "high maintenance":

1. "Just stop thinking about it."
2. "Just Let Go and Let God."
3. "Just don't have any expectations."
4. "Just let whatever anyone says go in one ear and out the other."
5. "Just don't take things so personally."
6. "Just trust yourself and follow your inner voice."
7. "Just don't be such a perfectionist (over-achiever, list-maker, do-er...)
8. "Just learn to r-e-l-a-x!"
9. "Just don't be so hard on yourself."
10. "Just accept whatever comes."

How about you? If you identify more with Anxiety Girl, what advice have you heard? What has/hasn't helped? If you identify more with Lower Maintenance Girl, were you ever Anxiety Girl? If so, what changed?

(No, I'm not done; I have plenty more to say on this topic! But in an effort to shorten my blog posts, I'm stopping here and moving everything else into a Part 2 post. Hopefully my computer won't crash and delete it before tomorrow. Not even sure why I'm typing this; I'll bet nobody will read all the way to the end and see it. And if they do, they'll just think...)

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

Taking a 3-year-old Before Jesus

Today I'm thrilled to feature a blog post by fellow Speaker Chick, Mimi Moseley!

In my two decades as an English teacher, I've worked with numerous students who struggle to communicate effectively due to Autism, Asperger Syndrome, Tourette Syndrome, hearing impairment, and other issues. How vital it is for each of us to find our "voice"... and to advocate for those whose voices have been quieted or silenced.

* * * * *

I wrote this a year ago, when Marty was first diagnosed with Autism. Today he battles every day, but does so with great joy.

The message at church yesterday was on the paralyzed man who's friends lowered him through a roof to get him before Jesus. (Luke 5:17-26) As I listened I became aware the paralyzed man never spoke. We don't see him ask his buddies to take him; they just seem to gather and do it because they believed Jesus was willing to heal. The Lord impressed upon me the importance of fellow believers bringing our requests before Jesus, and He especially impressed upon me those without a voice.

Our three year old grandson is without a voice. A few months ago he was diagnosed with a mild form of Autism and his biggest handicap has been his speech. He cannot verbalize his needs, and we struggle to understand how, why, he must carry this burden. But, yesterday, God was showing me that He has purpose for this trial and those who stand with us will see the hand of God move.

Perhaps God wants our prayers to go deeper than "fix him, Lord". Perhaps there is some area of healing God is doing in some other aspect. In John 11:15, Jesus speaks a fact, "Lazarus is dead, and I am glad for your sakes that I was not there, so that YOU may believe." Jesus used an impossible situation to bring His followers into a closer understanding of His purposes.

I think those friends of the paralyzed man had faith, but no idea Jesus would forgive the man's sins first. That's when the conflict arose of what Jesus had claimed to do. The Pharisees were questioning the healing of the most important of all healings: forgiveness of sins. Jesus asked the scribes and Pharisees to reason and evaluate Who He was as He healed the soul. It was then He chose to heal the body.

Is God asking me, and those who join me, to figuratively take this baby before Jesus and believe on a deeper level? Why has He placed this on my heart? Maybe God wants to do a deeper healing in our family. Maybe a more intense understanding in our life groups. Maybe He is using this little boy to get members of our church to believe Jesus is Who He says He is.

Will you join me in taking this baby before Jesus? Will you ask the Lord to show me, us, His will in a deeper way? I want to be changed according to God's will. I am even boldly asking the Lord to give this child a voice through the healing grace of Jesus.

I am aware this heart for my grandson is personal, but I am also aware I have been called to be obedient to His prompting. Please let me know if you agree to pray for him. The Lord may not be calling you all to do this burden so just let me know if it has struck you to pray. Who knows, you may be joining this effort so that you may believe.

Mimi Moseley hails originally for the South where she says she learned humor can open hearts to healing, that otherwise have been shut tight.

Women are hungry for hope and Mimi believes God's word wants to address those areas and show the dark won't last forever. Just as a rooster crows, we can know morning is coming.

In her 25+ years in women's ministries, speaking and Bible study teaching, she has seen changed hearts and the love of Jesus bring women back from the depths of despair.

Mimi has been married for 34 years to her "boyfriend" Marty. They have two amazing sons, two FABULOUS daughters-in-law and three of the cutest grand-babies on earth.

Mimi is the author of the in-law relationship book Arm Around Shoulder/Hand Over Mouth and she does workshops and seminars around the country on the topic. However, her favorite venue is women's retreats speaking on love where she feels she gets to know the women better and time for more one-on-one communication. Mimi's favorite saying is "It's never too late to be who you were meant to be."

No More Nagging

Today I'm thrilled to feature a blog post by fellow Speaker Chick, Arlene Pellicane!

One thing I've learned (the hard way!) is that there's no such thing as being "almost consistent" as a parent. Also, reinforcement errors don't automatically decrease as the kids get older. In fact, I think I got worse as my kids' verbal skills became more sophisticated; I failed to recognize subtle manipulation until it was too late!

* * * * * * * * * *

I shared a story recently at a MOPS group and by the number of nodding heads in the room, I knew this was familiar ground for mothers:

Nagging.

What to do when your child nags?

When my daughter Noelle was 3, we had come home from a birthday party. I was working on my computer when Noelle approached me, holding the party “GOO-DEE” bag as she dramatically called it.

“Mom, can I please have a piece of candy from the GOO-DEE bag?”

“No, you already had cake and candy at the party. You may not.”

A few minutes later, she returned. “Can I just hold a piece of candy from the GOO-DEE bag? Can I just look at the pieces of candy? Can I count the pieces of candy?”

After several interruptions about the GOO-DEE bag, I caved in. “YES! You can have candy out of the GOO-DEE bag if you will just leave me alone!”

Noelle, 1. Mom, 0.

In hindsight, what I should have said was, “If you ask again about the GOO-DEE bag, the GOO-DEE bag is going in the trash.” That would have ended the nagging in one way or another!

Nowadays when my kids nag for something, the answer is easy. “Nope, sorry we can’t do that. We don’t respond to nagging. Try again next time!”

When our children learn it’s counterproductive to nag, they eventually give up. And that’s a reason to celebrate and break open the GOO-DEE bag!

Arlene Pellicane is the author of 31 Days to a Younger You: No Surgery, No Diets, No Kidding. She has appeared on The 700 Club, Hour of Power, Better, Turning Point with Dr. David Jeremiah, and TLC’s Home Made Simple. Arlene lives in San Diego with her husband James and three children.

Healthy Marriages Major in History (NOT Math!)

If you're stopping by from Kathi Lipp's The Husband Project Book Club, welcome!

Today I'm sharing a message that appears in Kathi's The Marriage Project.

* * * * *

Think about a high school math class: What does the teacher put on the board every day? Problems! What is the math textbook filled with? Problems! What do students have for homework each night? Problems!

And what is the goal with all these problems? Solve them!

In contrast, think about a high school history class. What does the teacher discuss in class? Facts! What is the history textbook filled with? Facts! What do students memorize for quizzes? Facts!

And how do we approach history facts? Do we try to somehow “solve” them? Do we try to change Independence Day from July 4 to, say, May 28? Of course not. We know that we can’t “solve” facts. When it comes to facts, our goal is to accept them, understand them, and learn from them.

So why do I say that a healthy marriage majors in history, not math?

Because one thing I've (finally!) learned is that no matter how I may be feeling at the moment, my husband is never “a problem”! He does not need me to “solve” him. “Math mode” simply does not work for marriage.

“History habits,” on the other hand, strengthen marriage. My husband is a living, breathing, walking, talking collection of facts. And he needs me to accept him, understand him, and learn from him.

What does this look like in day-to-day living?

Back when Daniel and I were dating, I was an expert at “history habits." I focused on my beloved’s strengths and liberally exercised my bragging rights, telling everyone what he was famous for.

After marriage, however, I quickly slipped into “math mode.” Whenever things didn’t go the way I wanted, I switched to critical thinking, focusing on my husband’s weaknesses, trying harder and harder to “solve” the problem: him!

What might this switch sound like if a woman is married to a Popular Sanguine? While dating him, she might have written a letter like this:


Dear Mom & Dad,

I’m in love with the most WONDERFUL man!

He’s an incredible conversationalist. He is never at a loss for words; I sit and listen to him for hours.

Everyone invites us to parties, because he is so much fun -- always in the middle of any crowd! And such a storyteller . . . he’s so expressive, he holds everyone spellbound!

I love everything about this man, and I always will!


After a few years of marriage, however, she might end up lamenting to a friend, over coffee:

Oh Karen!

I have had it up to here with this man!

You know the country song, “A Little Less Talk, and a Lot More Action”? I could so do with a LOT LESS TALK! The man is a motor mouth with no “off” button!

It’s embarrassing at parties -- he always has to be the center of attention. He tells the same stories over and over again, never remembering that he’s told the SAME stories to the SAME people a dozen times already.

Will he ever grow up? What happened to the man I fell in love with?


Indeed, what has happened? What has changed? Nothing but her perspective. She’s stuck in “math mode,” focused on his weaknesses, trying desperately to “solve” someone she once vowed to accept.

One thing I've learned is how easily I can overlook my husband's myriad strengths and fixate my attention on a few particularly annoying (to me!) weaknesses. When I get stuck in "math mode," joy and intimacy are subtracted from our marriage.


Now it's your turn! How do you practice "history habits" and purposefully focus on your spouse's strengths?

In Praise of Pain

5:30 arrives waaaay too early this morning.

I do not want to get up.

For all my talk of "going to bed early" last night, it was 11:30 before lights out.

I do not want to get up.

The 5:30 alarm rouses me briefly. Daniel gets up to start his weight routine. The down comforter cradles me and two warm cats snuggle up to me.

I do NOT want to get up!

But relentlessly, my daily motivation to get out of bed increases:
PAIN.

Zombie-like, I stagger into the bathroom, pull on exercise clothes, and plod down the stairs to the garage.

The elliptical won't work. A momentary flicker of hope: Clearly, God wants me to go back to bed!

But Daniel jiggles some wires, and suddenly the display flashes on.

I wish I could spring to life that quickly.

Selecting the most up-beat song on my iPod, I start moving. Slowly. Stiffly.

PAIN-full-y.

And yet, I know that within 10 minutes the pain will subside. And if I keep going for 20 minutes, my day will be relatively pain-free.

Every morning, I wake up to chronic residual pain from fracturing T7 and herniating the discs above and below more than a decade ago.

The one form of pain control that works is exercise. Each day, my quality of life is determined by a clear choice: exercise and feel good or stay in bed and stay in PAIN.

So today -- despite initially feeling like getting out of bed would be the end of me! -- I am thankful for two things:

1) I am thankful that pain control is within my control. I know many chronic pain sufferers for whom the worst thing is not the pain itself but their inability to predict or influence it. I can do both.

2) I am thankful for such powerful motivation to do what I should be doing but, on my own, lack the willpower to do. Pain has made me healthier: healthier than I was at the time of my injury and healthier than I would be, now, without it.


For what "pain" in your life are you thankful?

My Husband, My Hero

It's Wifey Wednesday at To Love Honor and Vacuum, where Sheila Wray Gregoire has been discussing emotional affairs.

One way to avoid emotional entanglements in the first place is to focus on my leading man.

Over at Kathi Lipp's Book Club, Dr. Juli Slattery blogs "Looking for the Good in Your Husband" today and offers this challenge:

Go ahead, brag on your man! Tell us one reason your husband is your hero in the comments below, for a chance to win Finding the Hero in Your Husband: Surrendering the Way God Intended by Julianna Slattery.

Here's my response:

The reason that comes to mind this morning is how my husband looks out for me in little ways. He’s been getting up to work out at 5:30 AM for years; I just started getting up at 5:45 to jog.

Today I noticed that several lights had been turned on in key places throughout the house; Daniel had gone around switched them on so that I wouldn’t trip over or bash into anything on my way down the stairs and into the garage.

This is especially heroic because he hates wasting electricity and is forever turning out lights that aren’t obviously in use.

But he knows I have terrible night vision and a history of tripping over my own feet, so he put my needs for light above his own need to save.

It’s an act of self-sacrifice--no matter how small--that makes a hero.

(And in this case, a wife with far fewer bruises and band-aids!)

Back to a Nest for Two

It's been three weeks, now, since we drove our kids the half-day journey to college: Annemarie for her junior year and Jonathon for his freshman. We returned home to the proverbial "empty nest."

Well-meaning sympathizers (with Kleenex boxes in hand) initially asked, "How are you feeling?" and offered strong shoulders to cry on.

I horrified them away by quoting the closing lines of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s famous speech: "Free at last! Free at last! Praise God, Almighty, I'm free at last!"

I love my children. If you've spent time with me, you know I can't stop telling stories about them, bragging about their latest adventures, worrying over their current struggles.

But while I have dedicated the last two decades of my life to mothering my children, my children are not my life. In fact, my primary goal as a mom has always been to work myself out of the job!

As the first week went by, Daniel and I marveled daily at the "abnormalities" in our home: One load of laundry. An empty sink. A full refrigerator. An obstacle-free entry way.

Uninterrupted time to talk. Spontaneous walks together. Nobody else to help, prod, comfort, encourage, remind, hear, watch, feed, shop for, clean up after, do anything for.

Just the two of us. Just the way it was when we said "I do" 23 years ago.

Last weekend, as we snuggled on the couch to read together, Daniel sighed contentedly and whispered, "I could get used to this!"

Me too.

Just we two.