Good news. Bad news. Light bulb moment!

It's Marriage Monday over at Chrysalis, and today's topic is "Extreme Makeover: How God Renewed Our Marriage Against All the Odds."

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I heard the "good news" about my marriage at the taping of the Wired That Way Personality video series with Florence and Marita Littauer.

Marita pointed out that while every marriage can work, some marriages require more work than others.

The "less work marriages" have one square in common. A Sanguine/Choleric married to a Choleric/Melancholy: they share the Choleric need to achieve.

My marriage didn't fit the "less work marriage" description.

In the "more work marriages," both spouses are somewhat extroverted and somewhat introverted. A Sanguine (extrovert)/Phlegmatic (introvert) married to a Choleric (extrovert)/Melancholy (introvert). In this marriage, each spouse understands the other's needs for some socializing and for some solitude.

My marriage wasn't a "more work marriage".

In "most work marriages," the spouses are total opposites. A Melancholy/Phlegmatic (Daniel) married to a Sanguine/Choleric (me.) Whatever one spouse needs to have in order to thrive the other spouse needs to avoid in order to survive.

My marriage is definitely a "most work marriage".

At first, I was ecstatic to hear this. No wonder it's seemed so difficult, over the years. No wonder it's felt like so much work. We have the hardest type of marriage! That explains everything!

By the next morning, however, reality sank in. Wait. Woah. Oh no. We have the hardest type of marriage! What meets my needs violates Daniel's needs; what meets Daniel's needs violates my needs. What kind of no-win martyrdom are we trapped in? Talking about bad news!

I do know how to meet Daniel's need for, say, solitude. But while he's enjoying his solitude I certainly can't meet my need for us to socialize! And Daniel knows about my need to achieve. But when I drag him on a 6-hour shopping spree, he doesn't get the downtime that he needs. Talking about incompatible!

But Daniel and I have always known that God brought us together. That He had a plan in mind for each of us, as two individuals, and for the "one" we were to become.

Why -- why on earth?!? -- did You put two such totally opposite people together in a marriage that only allows one spouse's needs to be fulfilled at a time? What is Your plan, here?

I prayed for days. As I pondered, the light bulb went on.

I had spent years dwelling on how unfulfilled I feel when my husband's needs are met but mine are not. What if I could learn to feel satisfaction when I see my husband's needs being met? What if I could learn to experience something new -- perhaps not the fun or achievement my Personality craves, but maybe something that transcends my needs?

I tried it -- enjoying seeing Daniel's needs being met instead of focusing on mine going unmet -- and sure enough! The reward for unselfishness is peace. A peace that passes all understanding.

Practicing this new skill -- unselfishness -- has led me to understand God's plan for my marriage. Because the only way I am able to think and act outside of my self is to surrender every aspect of my life (especially my marriage!) to Jesus Christ. To give up all my wants, my shoulds, and -- yes! -- even my needs. To trust Him to take complete care of me.

A "most work marriage" is the only one in which God could teach me to rely on Him alone. If I'd married someone with whom I had more in common, I would have found my fulfillment in my husband, set him up -- a mere man -- to be my all-in-all and, ultimately, my savior. And that is never God's plan for any marriage.

Daniel and I are in a marriage of total opposites on purpose. And as we live according to His purpose, two selfish people are truly becoming one.

Now that's good news!




What have been some "good news moments" in your marriage? Some "bad news moments"? How about the "light bulb moments"?

eBabies & iTeens & YouToo: Who's Responsible?

The 411 and 911 for adults playing catch-up with Gen M: questions about kids and technology

A friend's 12-year-old unthinkingly set her purse down while shopping at American Eagle. Seconds later, when she reached for it, it was gone.

Inside were her iPod ($249), cell phone ($199), Gameboy ($49), and a variety of birthday gift cards ($150.) She had very little cash, and the purse wasn't worth more than $10, but her total losses added up to a staggering $650+.

$650 is a pretty heavy loss for a 12-year-old. ($650 would be a pretty heavy loss for this 42-year old!)

First, the 411 questions:

1) Is it within developmental bounds for a 12-year-old to act without thinking of the consequences?

2) Does a 12-year-old truly understand the meaning of $650? (If you're not sure, hand over a calculator, have her calculate the number of work hours at minimum wage, and watch her reaction!)

3) Who's responsible for a 12-year-old having and casually carrying around $650?

So, the 911 questions:

1) What discussions are we having with our kids about the maximum dollar value they should be carrying in their purses, backpacks, pockets, etc?

2) What dialogues are we engaged in about the value of the expensive gadgets our kids own? Do they feel that they have a "right" to these items, or do they feel privileged to have and use them?

3) Have we talked about who's responsible for replacement in case of damage or theft? Will an adult buy a new one? Will the child? Will the cost be shared? Will the child live without?

4) Are we, as adults, planning ahead to be appropriately respond-sible (not reactive!) if and when a child damages or loses an expensive item? Or will we fall into knee-jerk shaming ("How could you?"..."Didn't I tell you?"..."You always!") or reflex coddling ("You poor thing!"..."I can't believe someone would take advantage of you!"..."It's not your fault!")


YouToo time: What are your thoughts, experiences, and wisdom when it comes to the question "Who's responsible?" regarding kids and expensive gadgets?